A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry," he said.
"I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic.
I don't have time for the gums to get numb. We have a 10 a.m. tee time at the best golf course in town, and it's 9:30 already.
I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it."
The dentist thought to himself, "Wow, this guy is brave, asking to have his tooth pulled without anything for the pain."
He asked the man, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth,
honey, and show him."
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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree. " With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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On Charlie's first day at the office, John asks him if he likes to play golf. Charlie says, "yes I do". John tells him that he needs a fourth for Sunday at 8:00 am and would he like to join them. Charlie says that he would love to, but that he might be 10 minutes late. John says "No problem". Charlie shows up on time, plays right-handed and shoots par golf. Afterwards, John tells Charlie that they need a fourth for Sunday at 8:00 am again and would he like to play. Again, Charlie says that he would love to play, but that he might be ten minutes late. John says "No problem". Charlie shows up on time, but this time plays left handed and again shoots par golf. Afterwards, they are sitting around having drinks and John turns to Charlie and asks him "Charlie, last week you played right handed and shot par golf. And this week, you played left handed and shot par golf. How do you determine each week, which hand your going to play with? Charlie tells him "When I wake up in the morning, if my wife is lying on her right side, I play right handed; if she is lying on her left side play left handed. John says, "What if she is lying on her back?" Charlie says, "That's when I'm 10 minutes late."
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The year is 1923. In 1923, do you know who was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? Now, these men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least, they found the secret to making bundles of money. Almost 80 years later, the history book asks us, do we know what actually became of these men? ANSWERS: 1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane. 3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, committed suicide. However, in that same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won both the US Open & PGA Championship. What became of him, you ask? Well, he played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95,& was financially secure at the time of his death. CONCLUSION : Stop worrying about business & other bullshit & start playing golf.
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A golfer, playing a strange course for the first time, was teeing up on the first hole. He took out a 3-wood and addressed the ball. Suddenly, a voice to his right said, "No, take a club extra!" He looks around and sees a small frog sat at the side of the tee. "Was that you?" he asked the frog. The frog nods and repeats his instruction, "Take a club extra." The golfer shrugs, takes out a 2-wood and takes a cracking shot straight down the centre of the fairway, landing on the green. He turns to the frog and says, "Cheers mate! Do you know this course well? Do you want a lift?" The frog nods and so the golfer picks it up and places it on the top of his golf cart. All the way round, the frog gives him instructions as to the course layout and club selection to the point that, after 18 holes, he has had three holes-in-one and ends up smashing the course record. In the car park afterwards when the golfer has put away his clubs, he turns to the frog and says, "Thanks mate. You've helped me to produce the best performance of my life, smash the course record, get three holes-in-one and win £2000 as a result! If there's anything you want, just name it! Anything at all!" The frog cocks its head and aswers, "I've never been to a casino before. "Okay," replies the golfer, and he takes the frog into town and to a casino. He walks in the door with the frog on his shoulder and asks it what it would like to do. "Roulette." croaks the frog and the golfer goes over and cashes his money into chips. He sits at the table and says to the frog, "What do you fancy?" Once again, the frog cocks its head and croaks "Everything on 22 black." "Everyting?" repeats the golfer. "Yep, everything." repeats the frog. The golfer paces the bet and it comes up, winning them a further £500k. All night long, the frog is giving him tips and he finishes the night breaking the bank and a multi millionnaire. Once again, he thanks the frog for a wonderful time and asks it if there's anything else it wants. "Book the pent-house suite at the Grand." croaks the frog. The golfer smiles at this."Great idea. I'm knackered!" Once booked in, the golfer takes the frog up to the pent-house and asks if there's anything else it would like. "Place me on the bed and kiss me!" answers the frog. Thinking that this is the least he can do after such a successful venture, the golfer obliges and the frog instantly turns into a beautiful sixteen year old girl, perfectly proportioned, lying naked on the bed! She gazes up into the golfer's amazed face, puts her arms around him and whispers, "Make love to me darling." And that, Your Honor, is the motion for the Defense!"
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Michael showed off his new ball to Jerry at the start of session, saying, "This new ball I have is amazing. You cannot lose this ball. If you hit it into the woods, fireworks spout out of it and a white flag pops out of the top of it." Jerry said, "That's amazing." Michael continued, "You don't know the half of it. When you hit it into the rough, a couple of mini-sized fans come out of it and blow the grass around it so you can see it. You can't lose this ball." Jerry, even more astounded, said, "Oh my! I could use something like that! It's incredible!" Michael went on with, "And if you hit it into the water, small floaters come out and it propells itself to shore. It's great! You can't lose this ball." Jerry, beside himself asked, "That's too much. Where did you get it?" Michael replied, "I found it on the fairway last game."
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A foursome was talking about what they had to do to go golfing. The
first one said that he had to promise his wife that he would do all
the yard work the following day. The second one said that he had to
commit to painting a spare bedroom. The third one had to promise his
wife a weekend on the town. The fourth one just smiled and said that
when the alarm went off at 4:30 a.m. he asked his wife, "What will it
be, me going to play golf or us having sex," she replied, "don't
forget your sun glasses."
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Two golfers were out playing one day and one of them hit his ball into the woods. While he was looking for it, his playing partner heard a loud scream! He rushed into the woods to check on his buddy and found him lying on the ground holding onto his butt. "What happened", his buddy asked?'' "I got bit on the butt by a rattle snake. I need you to go back to the clubhouse and get a doctor!" The friend hurried off on his cart to the clubhouse. Unfortunately, he found the only doctor there was in the process of delivery a baby. "Doctor, doctor, my friend was looking for his golf ball in the woods and he got bit by a rattle snake! What can I do to save him?" "You will have to take this scalpel, cut open the skin at the bite, and suck all the poison out!" The friend jumped back on the cart, sped back to the woods, and skidded to a halt where his friend lay. "Where's the doctor?" "He's delivering a baby!" "What did he say?" "He said you were going to die!!!"
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A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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This sign was posted at a local golf club Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart Form a loose grip Keep your head down Avoid a quick backswing Stay out of the water Try not to hit anyone If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you Don't stand directly in front of others Quiet please...while others are preparing to go Don't take extra strokes. Well done. Now flush the urinal. Go outside and tee off!
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A man is lost at sea and winds up on a desert island for 10 years.
One day he is sitting on the beach and a beautiful girl in a wet
suit comes out of the water and walks up to him.
She asks him when was the last time he had a cigarette. He says
10 years. She opens the zipper on her wet suit a bit, and pulls
out a pack of cigarettes and lights one for him.
She then asks him when was the last time he had a drink. He says
10 years.
She opens her wet suit a bit more and produces a flask of Scotch
whiskey.
She then starts to unzip some more and as she does so she asks if
he wants to play around.
He looks at her in amazement and says " You mean you have a set of
golf clubs in there too!"